I have been seeing a TON of posts on Twitter from everybody under the sun saying what a cuckold “is” and “isn’t”. I’m here to tell you that most of those people have it completely wrong.
People say “cucks don’t fuck their wives”, “cucks belong in cages”, or one I saw today which was “cucks don’t orgasm, masturbate, or get hard without permission!” Who deputized you, random Twitter denizen, as the “Keeper of the Cuck?” It is true that cucks SOMETIMES don’t fuck their wives, and are SOMETIMES kept in cages…but what is it with all these statements with complete finality and broad brush strokes?
You can’t blame most of these folks – they don’t know any better. They have learned of the the concept completely tied to porn and inextricably linked to certain kink/bdsm elements. But what does it do to people when you gatekeep an entire lifestyle by scaring people away with your particular brand as some immutable fact? You perpetuate the same myths that porn has sold us and you keep some good people from actually getting into a lifestyle that in a lot of ways makes a relationship a lot healthier.
To that end, I’d like to talk about what cuckolding ACTUALLY is, and it’s history. After all, how can you know what something is if you don’t take the time to learn where it comes from? So what is it?
The term “cuckold” was first used in the 13th century poem “The Owl and the Nightingale”:
“Everything she does he objects to,
everything that she says irritates him,
and often, when she’s not doing anything wrong,
she gets a punch in the mouth.
There’s no man who can’t lead
his wife astray with this kind of behaviour;
she can be ill-treated so often
that she resolves to satisfy her own needs.
God knows, she can’t help it
if she makes him a cuckold.
So to sum up – guy is a dick to his wife, how can you blame the wife for going out and fucking somebody else as a result? It’s funny (the sad kind of funny) that in 800 years….this hasn’t changed much. In fact, it was used a few hundred years later in Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales” story “The Miller’s Tale” to describe a man, old and jealous, marrying a woman of 18, assuming her infidelity as a result.
For most of its usage, the term cuckold has been used to shame a man for his wife’s infidelity. How very much like us to have a popular word that says a woman fucking around is wrong, but the flipside (a cuckquean) just never took off and definitely never with the same gusto (and a completely different connotation, as women’s infidelity brings shame – for men, it brings high fives.) Men controlled the narrative and so cuckold became a word to shame men for essentially “losing control of their women”.
And now today, the word cuckold (and the short form “cuck”) is used as an epithet completely divorced from its sexual roots. Conservatives of the alt-right movement appropriated it to describe those that didn’t fall in line with their orthodoxy. It wasn’t even deployed solely against liberals or feminists – it began to be used to describe OTHER conservatives (more mainstream), calling them “cuckservatives”.
Stag and Cuckold – Why The Difference?
Is it any wonder after looking at this history that the word “stag” was created? Both come from the same source, just different animals – cuckold comes from the cuckoo, a bird that lays its eggs in the nest of another species; stag comes from the male deer who will forfeit its mate if it loses in battle to another male. Neither are on their face offensive (although screw the person who tries to get me to raise their kids, I’ve got 3, that’s enough!). The term cuck, however, is so steeped in toxic masculinity that for many in the community, an alternative was necessary. If you distill them down, however – they really are the same thing.
Now before I get hate comments on Twitter about how I invalidated a whole group of people, let me explain. Both words have been used to describe the same phenomenon – a wife fucking around on her husband. It was the negative connotations from the outside world that necessitated the creation of the stag label, since within the lifestyle we try to promote HEALTHY cuckolding with consent and full awareness. Cuck was steeped in such negativity that if you wanted to actually practice the lifestyle, that word was ugly and shameful.
Now today, in the culture, we have imbued the two with completely separate meanings (again, however, most people see these as black and white differences, and no I’m not talking about QOS): cuck is a submissive male who gets humiliated, degraded, cleans up, denied and is summarily thrown into chastity: stag is just a man (not submissive, typically seen as an “alpha”) who just gets off on seeing his woman enjoy herself with another man.
I know it is a bit of a tangent, by the way, but can we dispel the myth of the “alpha” male? There is no such thing, according to current science. Why is that? While certain men may seem more aggressive in bed, more muscular, etc, humans are more complex than wolves or other primates where “alphas” exist. We are social creatures with complex hierarchies – you might be a high school football player and seen as this “alpha” male on the field, but if I put you in a completely different social setting, say a comic book convention (and for this example I’m using basic archetypes, I’m not saying football players can’t be nerds too – please use critical thinking skills and reasoning ability here folks!) you might be seen as a massive beta. Getting a long, cooperating, being intelligent, having a good sense of humor – these are all traits that typically get you along further in life than just aggressive dominance, which is seen more as an evolutionary step back by today’s standards (and makes more sense in an animal kingdom with lower orders of animals by intellectual standards). It is not tied to any one thing, any one situation, and DEFINITELY not any single race (sorry folks, melanin does not have any impact on any of this – that’s the porn talking).
Does the non-existence of an “alpha male” mean that there are no “aggressive males”? Of course not, and especially in the bedroom. It is all about context. But going into the history, and going into the science of these terms and these archetypes show you why so many are quite frankly scared shitless to enter into this kind of lifestyle, even if they themselves are massively turned on by it. The way the terms have shook out, you’re a beta male bitch if you decide to be a cuckold and that’s final.
So how do we move forward? Do we continue to have this split? Or do we adopt more of the approach that I and others in the lifestyle community on Twitter have been advocating for – a spectrum?
Human beings are complex social creatures, and the science bears that out. We are not one thing in any one situation, and when put in the context of many different situations the variety of reactions and personalities is endless. It’s because of this complexity that I really and truly believe it comes down to a simple question, ignoring history or anything else – “does your wife fuck other men”? If yes, then congratulations! You’re a cuckold! You may enjoy more submissive activities with your spouse, your bull, or both…and you might not. Maybe you enjoy watching. Maybe you enjoy having stories told to you afterwards. Maybe you don’t want to know anything at all except that she’s fucking other men. All of these activities are perfectly acceptable, and all fall under the same umbrella – because at the core, they all still share that one thing in common – your wife is fucking other men.
If it makes you feel more comfortable to call yourself a stag, since that word doesn’t have the same taint as cuckold, I get it. On the cuckold spectrum, we typically see stag as the opposite end of things, and labels are a way we humans get across a lot of information in a short amount of time. But they are often inadequate and leave out a ton of the context which take these black and white terms and throw the proper color on them.
What I am advocating for is not being so broad and so exclusive as to make statements that, while they could be true for you and for others, are not “universal truths”. Plenty of couples who could get a lot out of this lifestyle never take that step because so many (men AND women) have gotten scared and intimidated out of ever approaching their partner with their interest because of their reactions to those online who spout off about what it is to THEM to be cuckolded:
“Well shit, this person says cuckolds don’t fuck their wives…I want my husband to still fuck me!” – They can, if that’s what you both want!
“If I want to be a cuckold, I have to be caged, I have to want my penis to be smaller – all of these gifs and memes say so, that must just be how it goes” – Nope, plenty of cucks have a good sized penis, aren’t caged, and aren’t denied.
“I’ve seen that cucks go down on their wives after their bull cums inside of them – I don’t want my husband to do that” – cool, nobody said they had to. Can you? Absolutely, but that isn’t some immutable rule.
STOP telling people what cuckolding is. STOP making people feel bad about not conforming to YOUR truth. STOP gatekeeping this lifestyle. We want to be a big tent, and the way to do that is to say, “You are worthy – you want your wife to have pleasure with other men, and that is to be celebrated! You and your spouse and your bull can figure out whatever that looks like between all of you, and your arrangement will be just as valid as anybody else’s”. This is how you make a lifestyle mainstream. This is how you welcome people with open arms into a community. Don’t tell them what it is – help them realize what it CAN be!
16 thoughts on “Cuckold Defined”
You are absolutely right. Thank you for the essay.
Thank you so much!
Love this… but you do catch a big broad umbrella… what about the wife who is sexually empowered (not just merely fucking other guys) and non-monogamous but the cuckold is not?
… and cuckolds seems to crave that emotional masochism.. the angst of being denied…hence she gets all of this and he gets little..
Food for thought… happy Wednesday and thank you for writing…
The best thing about cuckolding I have read, ever.
And, it helped resolve an argument the wife and I have had many times over the years.
So glad it helped, and thank you so much for your kind words ❤️
My sweet husband read this to me over lunch today, and I just want to thank you for ALL of this. You touched some of my “tender” spots, and thank you for dispelling the myths that porn watchers believe.
Thank you for this wonderful post – I can’t tell you how much I needed this tonight
Thank you so much (also, please reach out to me on twitter!!!!)
Thank you for the post. This was well thought out.
Your texts are very good!
Just one critique, good sir, re: “Alpha Wolf” – Ain’t no such thang:
Bossman Silverback Gorilla? Sure. 🙂